Ah, yes: my last post was on spring fever if I recall correctly. Except now it is nearly fall. Kiddo started back at preschool today, and I find myself with more time on my hands. And, you know what? I’m a little sad about that. Kiddo and I had an awesome summer together. We went on adventures. I got to introduce her to the joy of going to the movies. We did a boatload of crafts. And we talked. A lot.
And, this summer something powerful shifted in me.
It feels like a giant waking from a LONG slumber and shaking off leaves and other detritus that have collected during that sleep.
What has changed? Lots of stuff. To start:
- I no longer just accept my life and choices, I OWN them
- I have released any sense of expectation from my writing
- I have lost 20 lbs (and counting) and can see muscle definition in my quads again (whatttt?)
- I am more fit than I have been in 10-15 years
- I am more grounded and present than I have ever been
I guess the best way to sum things up is that I have learned to show up for my life each day.
How? I wish I had an easy answer to that question, because it is a process. I think it started with this year’s goal: core work. Build my physical and emotional center and work outward through the layers.
This core work requires discipline, but paired with brutal honesty. I can summon the hell out of discipline, PILES of it, MOUNTAINS of the stuff, but usually can sustain it for only a month, six weeks, tops. I’m getting sustainability from the honesty bit. No sugar-coating. No minimizing. No deflection of the truth to make myself look or feel better.
I ask myself the tough questions.
What do I want to do What am I capable of doing? (Plenty, if I don’t listen to what so-and-so thinks.) What did I really eat today? (Don’t underestimate, attempt to justify choices, brush empty calories under the rug.) Why did I eat /want to eat that thing that makes me feel like s*&!? (I am lonely, stressed, frustrated, tired, angry, anxious, excited, distracted, repentant, indignant, stuffing down working through my s*&!. And so eating myself sick helps in what way…??) Is eating the best way to deal with those emotions? (No, never.) Is running today or doing a ton of work when I am physically run-down the most loving thing I can do for my body and spirit? (No, fitness or mental gains cannot occur without proper rest). Do I really feel like sharing on paper everything in my head, monetizing my life? (No, there’s a whole pantheon of bloggers and media personalities who already fill that void). Will it be okay if I never get published (absolutely, ‘published’ and ‘writer’ are not mutually exclusive terms. Publication is a heavy burden to put on my craft). Is it okay to let go of this wardrobe, letter, artwork, attitude, weight, opinion, goal, dream, relationship, fear, baggage…clutter? (Absolutely, if it no longer sparks joy or serves a purpose for my good). Do I really need to be the Fixer, the Closer, the Problem-Solver in a situation? (No, take care of myself first. Seriously. It is not selfishness. It is preservation of both self and that which allows others to grow.)
Here are some more pictures of the updates around The Tree House since my last post 🙂